The alternative title for this blog is "That Time I Lost My Trust in God," however, the song 'Be Still My Soul' is a hymn which always calms and comforts me.
A while ago (well, technically, recently - like, within the last 3 months), I prayed about something important, something
really important, life-alteringly-important. The answer to that prayer was that it was right. So, happily, I carried on (well, not always quite so happily, I did flounder a bit a few times) - I was repeatedly assured and reminded that it was right, so the only thing to do was move forward. Which was fine. Until...
It began to feel not-so-right and moving forward was my only choice (and not in a "just get through the flu shot because it's the only medicine that could prevent the flu" kind of way. It felt more like "keep moving forward because if you stop you'll be trampled to death" kind of way). More and more, "right" started to feel more and more like "wrong," but that couldn't be. God himself told me this was right - and you don't argue with God. And it's not like He would go and change His mind...
...would He?
Now, I wouldn't call myself a particularly spiritual person or anything, but I do read my scriptures and pray consistently, go to church, and I'm even an active/contributing member of LDSSA at the Salt Lake Institute. I may not always be the epitome of reverence but I always try my best not to be too far from Heavenly Father's presence. However, this question shook my faith...actually - correction: this question was a 7.6 magnitude earthquake to my faith. (Honestly, shelves fell over, it was a mess, and the national guard was called in for help).
What if God is a trickster or puppet master?
Sadly, this also lead to me asking, "What if, technically - I don't have any agency and I am only at God's whims. He can make me do whatever he likes, he can tease and play tricks? What if...
He can tell me that something is right one day, and then tell me its wrong the next?"
(I sincerely apologize if anyone's computer has exploded from all this blasphemy!!!)
Suddenly, my mind went dark (and not like the-fourth-Harry-Potter-book-when-Sirius-died Dark; worse - like literally dark - it was frightening, empty, hollow, cold, desolate, etc. etc.) It was as though Heavenly Father had suddenly left. I was completely alone.
I began desperately trying to claw my way out of the dark - scriptures, prayers, mediation, going to the temple...
How does one reconcile these conflicting feelings/answers with one's faith and testimony? Can it be done? Could I do it based on what I believed I knew or did I need to call the bishop or one of my institute teachers?
After going through every solution I could think of, I kind of gave up. God had officially abandoned me. The longer I sat there, the worse I felt, the worse my thoughts became.
On Saturday (at the insistence of my incredibly worried and concerned roommate/cousin), I went to see an aura specialist (which is another post in and of itself, but in brief, she read's people's auras and energies. She's also an herbalist and aromatherapist) in the hopes that perhaps she could suggest something. She's also LDS and as part of the aura reading, she also linked everything to gospel principles. As we were discussing my aura, she noted that it indicated that I am very spiritual (at which point I had to prevent myself from blurting out that this was impossible considering the fact that God had apparently abandoned me because of my inner blaspheming dialogue).
However, as the session continued, my mind began to calm down, and I began to feel Heavenly Father's presence again, and I began to recognize his love for me - as well as the amount of power and divinity I have within me - obviously gifts granted by Him. The darkness lifted and, later, when I tried to meditate again - I learned/realized something.
Heavenly Father truly does know me, he knows how I will react to things, he knows what I'm ready or not ready for in life, he knows
everything. Only He knows what He meant by telling me that what I'd prayed about was "right" and what He meant by the uneasy feelings I'd later begun to feel and pray about. But I am content with 2 possible interpretations.
Now it's important to quickly note here that, when He said it was "right," I know He meant it. Elder Holland once said in a talk, "If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now," I believe that.
So,... either, He told me it was right in order to make me continue on, knowing that things wouldn't work out, that I wouldn't follow completely through (because, remember - he knows me better than I know myself) but knowing that I needed to go through this in order to learn some important lessons.
OR
It truly is right, but perhaps He didn't necessarily mean "right now." We don't know what Heavenly Father's time table is - perhaps, in the future it will still be right, and perhaps things will work out. And, perhaps, this was an opportunity to begin preparing myself.
I strongly believe that things have come to this for a reason, and that this is indeed how things were meant to wind up (at least at this point in time).
While the whole ordeal of my experience with Heavenly Father over the past few days was upsetting, and quite honestly, one of the scariest things I've ever experienced (I've read the Book of Mormon, guys - I know what happens when the Lord cuts a people off from His presence. It's
not pretty!) I am thankful for it. I find that the more I learn about the nature of God, the more I learn about myself and ultimately, the closer I feel to my Heavenly Father.
As for the situation which previously felt right and began to feel wrong. I am upset. I have occasional moments when it feels as though I have experienced an emotional Hiroshima, I'll sulk, listen to "
What I've Done" (don't ask) on repeat, eat ridiculous amounts of junk food, and cry until I feel absolutely sick. But - I'm trying to be hopeful. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over myself and the other party and He will see to it that we both find happiness. The fallout will eventually clear and the morning will come (punctual as always) and greet me with a warm embrace and a reassurance that I am okay. I am alive. I am happy. I pray that the other party will see that particular morning soon, and recover from the "emotional Hell" I put them through and maybe even forgive me for it one day.
