Catch Your Breath; Continue Moving Forward

This post is going to seem somewhat disorganized and fragmented. I can't help it - it's how my mind has been lately.

When my Dad returned from his first deployment to Iraq, he hugged me so hard I wasn't able to breathe. I didn't mind. It was my dad, he was home, he was safe. Even as I was physically unable to breathe, my mind was able to let out the stress I'd felt the entire time he was gone. 

I still remember the first night of the war in Iraq. I remember sitting in a hotel room with my Mom and siblings, watching the footage of various military attacks in cities like Baghdad. They would show footage from attacks at night. You could see the skylines of the cities as the 'flash' of mortars lit up the night sky. I remember realizing that my Dad was out, in some foreign country fighting an enemy for reasons that I didn't fully understand; using real guns, real bullets and that if he died...it was for real. 

I remember a wave of terror filling me up, and then remembered someone telling me that if we let terror get to us, then the terrorists had won. I suddenly felt as though I wasn't allowed to be scared, otherwise the terrorists would win and my Dad would die. I had to do everything I could to not be scared for my Dad. I'd been taught in school that since I had a deployed parent, I had to be strong so that I wouldn't worry my younger siblings or my Mom (one of the 'perks' of going to a DoD school - they usually provide some kind of training for helping military kids prepare for a parents' deployment or reintegration. Is it good training? Who knows). That night, I told myself that I was being strong for my Dad too, so that he would stay safe. I think maybe it was my way of developing a coping mechanism so that I would have a reason to stay strong. 

When I fly - I never sleep on the airplane. For some reason, I feel as though my being awake, is the only thing keeping the plane in the air. If I sleep, the plane will crash. I realize that it's incredibly irrational, but I still refuse to sleep on a plane. My concern for my Dad while he was in Iraq was the same. If I was scared of the war, scared of what could happen, he would die. So long as I wasn't scared, so long as I pretended not to care, he would be okay. That's how I remember handling his first deployment. 

After you tell someone that you're an Army brat, that your parent has been deployed, they usually look at you with this pitiful expression and say something like, "That must have been so hard on you, growing up." I've had people ask me what it's like to have a parent go to war. Such a dumb thing to ask. It's one of those things that can't really be explained to someone who's never experienced it. There isn't a word for the simultaneous rush of fear, pride, conflict, confusion, and that painful desire just to have em home. Even at just 10 or 11 years old, I knew that everyday that Dad was gone the next knock at the door could be 2 uniformed soldiers coming to tell my Mom that Dad was KIA and I knew that I would be unable to console her. (You eventually learn to push those thoughts from your mind, but it definitely takes a while).

The sad thing is, the hardest part isn't even always the time that they're gone. Sometimes the hardest part is when they come back, and they're no longer the parent you remember them being. I used to be close to my Dad. I'm sure I even used to idolize him. I remember being little, sitting on the floor or on the couch next to him and watching him shine his boots or clean one of his guns. (I'm sure it's for that reason that I like the smell of shoe polish, and the metal-against-metal sound of a freshly cleaned pistol being reassembled). I remember when I was younger, every now and then, if I was misbehaving and was sent to my room - he would come in and calmly talk to me. Even when I was in high school and acting like a total brat, he managed to have one or two of those moments when he was willing to be particularly patient with me, he would come in and we would discuss things like how it was important for me to be more responsible and mature; and other things like what school I would go to for college.

After different deployments to Iraq and being stationed in Korea, he's become a different person, one that I don't know very well and as a result, we've grown apart.

My Dad has always seemed to be proud of my intelligence. My mom has told me of instances when he's bragged to the soldiers he works with or even just strangers that his oldest daughter knows all about this or that. Knowing this about him means a lot to me, and it has become even more important to me over time as my Dad and I have kind of grown apart. Growing up, my Dad (well, both my parents, but Dad was always the one to really push it) had a rule that none of us kids were allowed to get married until we've earned our degrees.

I'm very close to finishing my degree. Only this and summer semester left. 

It's become very clear to me, just how important it is to me that I finish this. 

I want to make my parents proud of me.

I want to prove to everyone that I'm capable of completing something, of accomplishing something.

I want everyone who knows me to know that I place an incredibly high value on knowledge and education, because my parents placed a high value on that and encouraged me to work for that. 

But suddenly, life is pulling me in different directions, and I'm starting to choke and burn out. I'm not doing nearly as well as I know that I could be. My anxiety keeps me from focusing and getting adequate sleep.

I'm beginning to fear that I may not be able to finish my degree, even though I want it so badly. That fear keeps paralyzing me, and it makes things worse.

But I can't let the terror win. When I finish, I can let the stress go.

New Blah-g Post!

Oh look at that, I haven't blogged in almost a month...no, wait - it's only July 19th (my mind keeps trying to jump me ahead to August...probably cause that's when summer classes end, I move into my new apt., and Fall classes begin).

So, here's a quick update on the past 15 days...

• I uploaded the non-linear short story I wrote about Chernobyl for my Writing for New Media class, you can see/read it (HERE).
• This is where I'm at in terms of graduating (apparently the picture just HAD to have it's own bullet point...what a snob):
• After Fall semester, I'll only have about 8 classes left (about 2 semesters) - assuming I can get into the classes that are required for my major (if I can't, then it's gonna draw this out a little longer...which will definitely upset me...but the upside will be that I can push back loan repayment AND I can continue to avoid getting one of those "paying-your-dues-entry-level-blah" type jobs that you get between getting your degree and finding your career). I'm hoping to be done by the end of next summer though. -- Also...my GPA isn't really that high, by the end of the summer semester it'll be closer to a 3.1

• I thought I bombed a test for my Vis. Comm. class (turned out I managed to get an 83...not too shabby considering the fact that I only read about 1/2 the readings and missed the review) - I also got a 94 on a scrapbook project for the same class. If I'm lucky, I think I'll manage to get a B in this class (which I realize isn't exactly aiming high, but I'm trying to do well in all my classes while also keeping myself from getting overly stressed - if that means getting a B in order  to keep my sanity, then so be it)!

• I got through a paper (book report/analysis paper) and an all essay midterm (both due at the exact same time - I wound up pulling an all-nighter to finish reading the book and write the paper by 8am and then spent the hours between 9 and 11:50 working on the midterm. IF zombies could feel...I could seriously say that I know how they feel (although, if they're undead do they really feel tired and achey?)

• I started a new workout routine (well...not really "routine" I really just threw in a little more structure) by starting the Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred:

For the record: I am a total wuss! I've done level 1 multiple times over the past week and 1/2 (midterms threw me off, and finals probably will to so it's gonna wind up being more of a 30-ish Day Shred :p) and I STILL haven't gotten through Level 1 without wussing out one way or another. Today, I thought I'd go ahead and give Level 2 a try...I made it through 5 minutes and then switched back to Level 1. 

• I've started using Google+ and I love it. If you don't know what it is, it's basically Facebook (but greatly improved) with a bit of Twitter thrown in. You can read more about it (HERE). It's given me a way to interact and network MUCH more with Photographers, Designers, etc. without worrying about giving away too much personal information (or just being obnoxious in general - anyone who's friends with me on Facebook, knows what I'm talking about).
  Anyway - I have invites if you're interested.
  
• I've been trying to really make an effort when it comes to social networking because I really want to be able to confidently say that I know how to use social networking. The better I know how to use social networking, the better I think I can get an idea of how it can really be harnessed for marketing by businesses and how it can create more symbiotic relationships between customers and companies/professionals. Social networking is quickly becoming the main tool people use to interact with one another on a broader level (even globally), it's also becoming one of the main ways that we can interact with our world. I realize people complain about it all the time "Oh, it's the fall of Western Civilization all because of Myspace and Facebook blah blah blah..." but the thing is, if people don't stop complaining and start accepting it and using it to it's fullest potential, then we'll all miss out on an opportunity to make social networking a GOOD thing rather than a BAD thing. For example, if we set a standard now of insisting that companies are more responsive and transparent in their dealings with customers, think of how that would improve businesses in the long run? If we learn now how to really use and implement this technology, think of all the GOOD that can come of it. Things only get bad if you LET them!
  
  Okay, I'll get off the soap box now...but expect to see a blog post about this in the future!

• I've had "boy problems" - Let's just turn this into a quick analogy:
  *I used to have this favorite cookie Choco-Chip, but things got pretty bad between the Choco-chip cookie and I so we split, and I avoided the Choco-chip cookie.
  *A long while (and other cookies) later, I started to talk to with Sugar cookie, and then hung out with Sugar cookie for a bit (and realized that Sugar cookie's a LOT of fun to be around).
  *Shortly after this, I started to talk to Choco-Chip cookie again and realized that it was still my favorite (but I kind of felt like I shouldn't give into this realization because, as the saying goes, 'history repeats itself').
  *Decided not to give into realization and to try and move on (but it's really difficult). Meanwhile, Sugar cookie is busy, but still sweet on me. Although I think its interest in becoming a favorite has waned.
  *I realized that through ALL this, there are a couple of other cookies (we'll call em...'Boy Scout' cookies) that are around every now and then and are all very sweet on me, so I'm happy to spend time with them, but I kind of question their level of interest.
  *For now, I've decided to just let things happen, I've put forth too much effort in the past and things got crumbly. Besides, all the worry and thought I put into cookie selection and etc. usually just stresses me out WAY more than it needs to. If a cookie's interested in becoming my favorite, I'm sure it will figure out a way to make it happen (not like it's THAT difficult). 

I know what you're thinking! "Did she just compare guys to cookies?!" Yes, yes I did...but only because the category was the first thing I could think of that has no obvious hierarchy (beyond personal preferences) and contains a variety of different entities. 

....I never was all that good with analogies.  - So...yeah, that's my dating life - for now - but that was just the last 2 weeks...stuff happens quickly in my life! :p

• Oh, so speaking of food! - A while back, I reviewed a Bakery and Tea shop here in SLC on Yelp.com and today I received the Yelp - SLC Newsletter in my inbox and found that, MY review is one of the Picks of the Week! (Probably only because they did a search for "tea reviews" and mine was the most recent one posted)  - Apparently it's pretty easy to make me feel accomplished.

• Update on my goal of getting more sleep - It's not working out so well. Between the random all-nighters (which are my fault and I'm trying to prevent em) and all the noise of the dorms (at all hours of the day/night too - mostly loud people, loud parties, and loud music - there IS a sound curfew, but no one obeys it and and no one enforces it), I really haven't been getting very much sleep.  :\
  Thank goodness I move out at the end of the month.
  
• Update on my goal of eating better - Did I NOT just use an entire cookie analogy!? So...I'm not exactly eating better - the dining hall is ALWAYS crowded (EFY, conferences, and sports camps ensure this throughout the summer) and lately I've been avoiding it like the plague, and just eating granola bars or whatever cheap this or that I can get at the deli (usually sushi/CA rolls or a salad <- but with tons of dressing cause for some reason I've been completely averse to greens - no idea why!) Every now and then (but definitely more often than I should) I'll go out to get something (I'm addicted to the Cheddar Broccoli soup at Corner Bakery Cafe - I don't even like broccoli! - and I am in LOVE with L&L Hawaiian's Kalua Pork and Spam Musubi, so much so that I'm now determined to learn how to make it myself). The good news is that I'm eating less, the bad news is that it's either WAY less than I should (I'm certain my body is growing ever more concerned that there's a food shortage that it doesn't know about) or just stuff that's not particularly healthy.  This will all improve soon enough when I'm living with my cousin...I just hope she's cool with my taking over the kitchen now and then (don't worry, I'll do the dishes!) :p

Okay...well...I'm gonna call that good for now.

At this point,...I'm pretty sure that only my Mom, Aunt, and bestie, Jessica read my blog (<- I still read yours Jess...I've just been lame about commenting, sorry!)

My Typography Final / My graphic Design Portfolio

I've finally gotten around to uploading some of my Typography assignments to my Flickr and I thought I'd go ahead and post them here. I really need to get around to finding a host/website domain for a Photography and Graphic Design website. I've already begun trying to design a logo for both my Photography and my Graphic Design (it's pretty hard, especially since I have yet to take a logo/brand design class). Anyway, here are a couple of assignments which I turned in for my Typography final:

Next time I'll try and post the photos from my Photography final.

Returning from M.I.A.

I've been MIA from the net for almost the past week due to work and finals but finals are over and I'm back! Instead of writing a really long post recapping everything, I'm going to divide everything up into two posts.

Firstly I got the opportunity to shoot another wedding (making it my second this year), earlier this month at the American Mother's Chapel at Garden of the Gods. It's a very tiny chapel, only seats about 12 people but it was a small wedding and it was a fun happy atmosphere. You can see a couple of my favorite shots on my photography site: Kaylynne Michelle Photography

I'm actually trying to come up with a new logo/brand design for Kaylynne Michelle Photography - and later I'll probably be coming up with a similar brand design for a design website/portfolio for my graphic design work.

My photography class ended last Friday and I turned in my final, a 20 photo series based on the theme: Fruit. I'll be uploading a number of these photos along with a few others from my photography course to my photography site over the next few days so keep an eye out for those!


I turned in my final 3D Design project last Tuesday which consisted of creating two different designs based on the same basic mask each student received. Despite the fact that we all started with the same mask, we all came up with a variety of designs. I created a cupcake and an octopus.

The cupcake was made by starching this awesome sparkly pink material (which I loved - I imagine its the kind of material that would be used to make a Disney Princess dress, its that unreal) and brown mesh, I painted the mask brown using a sponge (to give it a cake-like texture) and I gave the mask eyes made out of ping-pong balls along with a cherry made from a ping pong ball and polymer clay.

The octopus was created by gluing yarn to the mask (and a styrofoam ball stuck into the back of it to fill out the head), I stuck some wires into the bottom of the mask and braided the yarn around them, and I glued some yarn to a ping pong ball cut in half and painted to create the eyes and finally I created a beak for it out of polymer clay and glued some sequins to the legs for suction cups. I got an A on the octopus but only a B- on the cupcake.

I'll go ahead and save my typography final, mother's day and everything else in my next post!

Update - Foxes, School, Art

So, thought I'd post a little update on the baby foxes, for a while we didn't see them at all and lately they've been out almost everyday! They're growing pretty quickly because they've gone from this:


To This:You can see some more of their latest shots here. I have around 400ish photos of the foxes that I've taken since we first spotted them, so hopefully this summer I'll have time to go through, pull out and edit the best ones!

I'm waiting until summer to do a lot of things because school is going to be super busy for the next 2 weeks because they're the last two weeks of the semester! I have to design and create 2 masks for my 3D design final, I have to find 50 more examples of typography for my typography class as well as find all my exercises and assignments from the class and prepare them for presentation (which doesn't include any other assignments my teacher might throw at us), I have 3 more assignments and a final exam for my art history class, and I have two more photo assignments for my photography class. Outside of school, I'm also getting ready to take my driver's license test on May 1st, celebrate (sort of) my birthday on May 2nd, and shoot a wedding on May 3rd! - Classes will finally end on May 12th and then I can relax (well, not entirely because I still have to get ready to move out of the house and into a dorm, and I also plan to work during the summer so I can earn a little money for next semester).

Like I said - Busy!

Enough blogging for me today, I have to go turn in my entries for the student art show and maybe get a little Art History homework done:

Cakes and Bad Weather

Yesterday night I spent the evening making and decorating two cakes for a cake auction at church tonight. The first was a beehive cake:and the second was a campfire cake:
the ideas were based on cakes I saw on the FamilyFun website.

Today was supposed to be the day that my photography class was going to be shooting at Rockledge Ranch in Colorado Springs, however this morning the weather was awful - it started with rain yesterday, snow this morning, which quickly turned to freezing rain and then back to snow, so now our yard is full of little ice crystals:
A friend of mine called to tell me the class at Rockledge was canceled, hopefully that means the class itself was canceled and the teacher didn't decide to just go ahead and hold class back on campus because - I didn't go. Neither me nor my mom wanted to drive on the icy roads anyway!
All this weather in the middle of April is getting kind of annoying.

Denver Museum of Nature and Science

On Saturday we went to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science as a part of an Art History assignment. The assignment was to visit the museum and see the exhibit on Native Indian Cultures, which actually turned out to be very interesting and full of random and surprising facts, for example did you know the Native peoples of the North (like the Inuits and Eskimos) were the first to invent snow goggles?

We also saw the prehistoric dinosaur exhibit, the animal exhibits, and the space exhibit. We wanted to see the new Expedition Health exhibit which is supposed to be really interactive and hands-on, but you have to get a reserved time ticket to visit the exhibit and we weren't sure how long we were going to be at the museum and the kids all said they had homework to work on so they didn't want to be there long anyway. So we skipped it, but we may hit the museum again in the summer when we have more time.

One of the coolest parts of the museum in my opinion, was the Atrium and the sky terrace, both of which offered some really great views of the Denver skyline!