Things I Love Thursday

So, I read a couple different blogs that have a TiLT feature every week.
Usually it's nothing big, just a short post with links, photos, thoughts, etc. to/of/about things that the writer liked that week and wants to highlight. I've decided to try it out here on my personal blog in order to increase my blogging (considering the fact that I'd like to blog as part of a future job, I really need to get better about consistency) and in order to teach myself to focus more on positive things, things that make me happy!

So - The first "Things I Love Thursday"...

First things first, my cousin Allison Barnes (of An Apple a Day and a collaborator on the We Are Women project), is a pretty legit folk artist and this Friday (tomorrow) she's releasing her Winter War EP (you can learn more about it HERE).

Allison asked me if I would like to review the EP ahead of time on this blog, but I'm not really a music person (I swear, I'm sure I'm pretty much tone deaf :p) and I wouldn't have really known how to even begin to review a CD! However, I did get the opportunity to listen through the EP and personally, I really enjoy it! My favorite track is a tie between "Husband" and "The Slow Goodbye." The EP will be released digitally tomorrow, March 30th, and on CDs, April 6.

And right now, if you "Like" Allison's Facebook page, you can get 25% off the EP.

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I've decided that I really love Firesides...especially big ones at the Salt Lake Institute. It's so amazing to be sitting amongst (note - not an accurate estimation:) hundreds of like-minded young adults, gathered together to share in the spirit and to listen to a spiritual leader. 

I once had an Institute teacher tell our class that these CES firesides are fairly new, and that we should be thankful and excited to hear these speakers because it represents the church Presidency's recognition of our (Young adults) importance! :)

And I swear, I totally started to tear up while singing "Be Still My Soul" with ALL these people. (I always feel so awkward when I'm singing, because I don't consider myself to be particularly good at singing, but I didn't even think of it. Everyone's voices just blended in the most perfectly beautiful way).

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I know, this picture is kind of awkward, the girl by me was talking to me and I accidentally lost my framing. :p
And yes - one of the girls in our group was running around in socks. So random! lol 

One of my favorite things about being a part of a collegiate community is all the opportunities to have academic-type discussions about various topics. Seriously, I love that I can sit around with a group of my peers (both academic and future-professional) and discuss things like the importance and application of strategic communication principles to various situations and such!

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And, last but not least, this song:

The music video itself is kinda strange (but...I feel like anytime masquerade masks are involved, things are gonna get weird. Especially in music videos) but the song is awesome.

Be Still My Soul...

The alternative title for this blog is "That Time I Lost My Trust in God," however, the song 'Be Still My Soul' is a hymn which always calms and comforts me.

A while ago (well, technically, recently - like, within the last 3 months), I prayed about something important, something really important, life-alteringly-important. The answer to that prayer was that it was right. So, happily, I carried on (well, not always quite so happily, I did flounder a bit a few times) - I was repeatedly assured and reminded that it was right, so the only thing to do was move forward. Which was fine. Until...

It began to feel not-so-right and moving forward was my only choice (and not in a "just get through the flu shot because it's the only medicine that could prevent the flu" kind of way. It felt more like "keep moving forward because if you stop you'll be trampled to death" kind of way). More and more, "right" started to feel more and more like "wrong," but that couldn't be. God himself told me this was right - and you don't argue with God. And it's not like He would go and change His mind...

...would He?

Now, I wouldn't call myself a particularly spiritual person or anything, but I do read my scriptures and pray consistently, go to church, and I'm even an active/contributing member of LDSSA at the Salt Lake Institute. I may not always be the epitome of reverence but I always try my best not to be too far from Heavenly Father's presence. However, this question shook my faith...actually - correction: this question was a 7.6 magnitude earthquake to my faith. (Honestly, shelves fell over, it was a mess, and the national guard was called in for help).

What if God is a trickster or puppet master?

Sadly, this also lead to me asking, "What if, technically - I don't have any agency and I am only at God's whims. He can make me do whatever he likes, he can tease and play tricks? What if...

He can tell me that something is right one day, and then tell me its wrong the next?"


(I sincerely apologize if anyone's computer has exploded from all this blasphemy!!!)


Suddenly, my mind went dark (and not like the-fourth-Harry-Potter-book-when-Sirius-died Dark; worse - like literally dark - it was frightening, empty, hollow, cold, desolate, etc. etc.) It was as though Heavenly Father had suddenly left. I was completely alone.

I began desperately trying to claw my way out of the dark - scriptures, prayers, mediation, going to the temple...

How does one reconcile these conflicting feelings/answers with one's faith and testimony? Can it be done? Could I do it based on what I believed I knew or did I need to call the bishop or one of my institute teachers?

After going through every solution I could think of, I kind of gave up. God had officially abandoned me. The longer I sat there, the worse I felt, the worse my thoughts became.

On Saturday (at the insistence of my incredibly worried and concerned roommate/cousin), I went to see an aura specialist (which is another post in and of itself, but in brief, she read's people's auras and energies. She's also an herbalist and aromatherapist) in the hopes that perhaps she could suggest something. She's also LDS and as part of the aura reading, she also linked everything to gospel principles. As we were discussing my aura, she noted that it indicated that I am very spiritual (at which point I had to prevent myself from blurting out that this was impossible considering the fact that God had apparently abandoned me because of my inner blaspheming dialogue).
However, as the session continued, my mind began to calm down, and I began to feel Heavenly Father's presence again, and I began to recognize his love for me - as well as the amount of power and divinity I have within me - obviously gifts granted by Him. The darkness lifted and, later, when I tried to meditate again - I learned/realized something.

Heavenly Father truly does know me, he knows how I will react to things, he knows what I'm ready or not ready for in life, he knows everything. Only He knows what He meant by telling me that what I'd prayed about was "right" and what He meant by the uneasy feelings I'd later begun to feel and pray about. But I am content with 2 possible interpretations.

Now it's important to quickly note here that, when He said it was "right," I know He meant it. Elder Holland once said in a talk, "If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now," I believe that.

So,... either, He told me it was right in order to make me continue on, knowing that things wouldn't work out, that I wouldn't follow completely through (because, remember - he knows me better than I know myself) but knowing that I needed to go through this in order to learn some important lessons.
OR
It truly is right, but perhaps He didn't necessarily mean "right now." We don't know what Heavenly Father's time table is - perhaps, in the future it will still be right, and perhaps things will work out. And, perhaps, this was an opportunity to begin preparing myself.

I strongly believe that things have come to this for a reason, and that this is indeed how things were meant to wind up (at least at this point in time).

While the whole ordeal of my experience with Heavenly Father over the past few days was upsetting, and quite honestly, one of the scariest things I've ever experienced (I've read the Book of Mormon, guys - I know what happens when the Lord cuts a people off from His presence. It's not pretty!) I am thankful for it. I find that the more I learn about the nature of God, the more I learn about myself and ultimately, the closer I feel to my Heavenly Father.

As for the situation which previously felt right and began to feel wrong. I am upset. I have occasional moments when it feels as though I have experienced an emotional Hiroshima, I'll sulk, listen to "What I've Done" (don't ask) on repeat, eat ridiculous amounts of junk food, and cry until I feel absolutely sick. But - I'm trying to be hopeful. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over myself and the other party and He will see to it that we both find happiness. The fallout will eventually clear and the morning will come (punctual as always) and greet me with a warm embrace and a reassurance that I am okay. I am alive. I am happy. I pray that the other party will see that particular morning soon, and recover from the "emotional Hell" I put them through and maybe even forgive me for it one day.

Blending In...(An Essay and GPOY Post)

I'm from California. - Okay, not really.
I was born there, at one point in my life, I even lived there (for approximately 1 year...and it was actually in the middle of the Mojave desert), and if there is any place in the world where I am my happiest - it's at La Jolla Coves in CA.

However, according to many of my CA-native friends, I am not a "real" Californian. Which is an argument that is enough to bring me to the brink of tears. I have moved SO much you guys, I don't have a hometown! People will ask me, "Where are you from?" and I hesitate, "No where," I finally stutter and then quickly attempt to clarify that I've moved around all my life and therefore don't really have a "hometown" and am not really "from" anywhere. (I once heard a friend of mine, another Army-brat, answer the dreaded, "Where are you from?" question with, "I came from my mother's uterus. Thanks for asking." - Well...it's certainly an interesting way to answer the question!)

Honestly, I can't really claim to be from any other place, I am apparently not a "real" anything.

The identity crisis aside, I decided (about half way through my trip) that I ought to do my best to look like a "real" Californian. I closely observed the locals (specifically those around the coastal areas) and some patterns emerged: Booty shorts for gals, Cargo shorts for guys; Sunglasses for everyone; Cute/tight tees or tops for gals, polos or t-shirts for guys; Cell phones (almost always a smart phone) for everyone; light sweaters (for cool/breezy days - but still worn with shorts); and some other accessory or item (ie surfboard, Starbucks, Designer Bag, etc.)

Now, I've seen people dressed like this elsewhere. However, there's a sense of attitude that's also worn by Californians (I don't mean "I'm all that" or a kind of haughtiness or anything like that, of course. I mean - a sense of self-awareness, confidence, and belonging to the lovely West coast.) Their looks all just seemed to say "This is how I look, this is where I belong, this is where I live/work/etc. This is me." - I wanted to emulate this (short of booty shorts of course). I wanted other people (tourists) to look and me and think, "whoa, she must be from around here."

So, let me see if I can't give you an idea of how I looked while on my trip:

Day 1:
 Sunglasses; Old Navy "San Diego" top (apparently, it's not very CA to wear CA themed
shirts...unless they're Hollister or something like that :p); Bermudas; White Flip Flops

Day 2
Black Jeans (felt a bit weird to be wearing em in CA...); White
Cardigan (Old Navy); OP Tank top; Purple Converse (Not Pictured); Sunglasses (Not Pictured)

Day 3
Weirdly enough, I wore jeans to La Jolla Beach :p
Red/Stripey/Crocheted Tank (Old Navy); Black Cardigan; Sunglasses (not pictured)

Day 4
I almost totally forgot to take a photo on Day 4 - this is the closest I have to an outfit photo for that day.
Light blue jeans; Green t-shirt (Old Navy, and SUPER soft...though, a bit low cut XP); Sunglasses

 So...what do you think? Did I look at least a little Californian? :p

Sorry for the random outfit post everyone - I haven't had a chance yet to sit down and sift through all the photos I took while I was here (I actually didn't take as many as I was expecting to) and write up some legit blog posts. -- I have some homework that I need to get done this weekend/upcoming week, but as soon as I can, I'll be posting more about my trip! :)

P.S. In case you're curious, GPOY stand for "Gratuitous Photo of Yourself" :P

Foraging for the Modern Paleo...

The alternative title for this post was:
"How I Feed Myself: Quick Paleo Meals for the Modern College Slob" :P

Since I've had a few family members and friends express interest/curiosity in my "crazy new diet" (technically, it's more of a lifestyle thing rather than a "diet" since I don't intend to quit eating like this once I've hit my target weight/body fat %), I thought I'd post a few examples of the kinds of foods I like to throw together.

Lets start with Breakfast!
I'm pretty simple and usually I just go with good old classic bacon and eggs (and sometimes a side fruit or veggie) - if I go to overboard, I usually wind up being late to class:

In this case, the side fruit or veggie was orange slices, Yum!

For Lunches, I usually have extras/leftovers (I prefer to use the word "extras" because the word "leftovers" makes me think of foods that are all cold and soggy...like old cereal *gag*) from cooking bigger batches or extra portions of whatever I make for dinners.

One meal which I particularly enjoy making is 'Paleo Spaghetti' - I know, most people think, "But Kaylynne, if you don't eat gluten what do you eat for noodles in order to have said spaghetti noms!?" to which I reply, "Why spaghetti squash, of course!" (It's like God recognized that even paleo people would want spaghetti and so he made a vegetable that serves as the *perfect* replacement!)

So you can actually find the whole recipe already written up here (one of my favorite websites) - But I took some photos the last time I made Paleo spaghetti so...I'm gonna post em goshdarnit! :p

Another quick and easy meal I like to make is the chili that I posted the other day (I've made and experimented with that one multiple times). 

I've also made:

These Ribs in the crockpot (but I changed up the recipe a bit...and used beef ribs instead of pork)

This Bacon, Grape, and Broccoli Salad is yummy (Boyfriend liked it too)

I made some really yummy citrus/lime/chili chicken drumsticks a few weeks ago but the website with the original recipe on it went down and...I did not copy the recipe down somewhere (You mean the internet ISN'T permanent!?)

So...Yeah - Some more ways to stick to the diet. Now...when I'm NOT sticking to the diet... Once a month (I'm a chick, take your best guess as to the reason why this happens every month), no matter what diet I am on - I tend to leap off the wagon and go in search of any and all of my cravings (usually sugar or caffeine - which is bad since I tend to get really bad headaches when I over do it on either of those)...

So, this is how I don't stick to my diet...

Vanilla scones from Starbucks - I LOVE these!

Generally, I avoid caffeine and teas but...every now and again, I'll get a
Tall, Soy, Chai Tea, Frappucino from Starbucks. So yummy! (but shame on me!)

In my defense, these brownies were at least gluten free (although...I may have
also added a whole bag of chocolate chips to the batter... -- I have to go easy on
these though because chocolate gives me really bad tummy aches...I've been
meaning to try carob instead...I just haven't - I'm scared it'll be gross :p)

Side Note - So, I realize that lately I've been posting a lot about food and Jared (they're kind of the loves of my life right now...and not always in that order :p) However, next week for spring break - I'm gonna be in CA for a few days, so you can look forward to some more travel/photo oriented posts! :)

An Air of Adventure...

Disclaimer - This blog post is gonna be a little photo heavy, I apologize to those few of you who are crazy enough to be using a slow connection like...dial-up. :p

So, on Saturday my boyfriend and I went on a little field trip up to the Aerospace Museum on Hill Air Force Base.

Jared was really excited about it (he has a passion for planes) as was I (believe it or not, this recovering aerophobic has a deep seated desire to be a pilot...or a cute stewardess :p).

While I've been to Hill Air Force Base a few times, I'd never been to the aerospace museum there (and I'd kind of assumed it was just a small museum with maybe just a few aircraft) - I was pleasantly surprised by the size of the museum as well as the variety of it's collection! Unfortunately, I failed to bring my DSLR camera (or my photography skills, apparently) so of the few photos I took, most turned out rather poor (ah, well - I suppose it's an excuse to go back again soon!). 


Jared made me laugh because he'd stop and photograph every engine or plane he knew about, and then he read just about every plaque for the one's he didn't know about but thought looked cool and then photographed those too. I thought it was cute. 
I took a photo of him doing this:

He then asked me if I was "taking unauthorized photos of [him]?" - I told him I was...and then proceeded to take more "unauthorized photos" of him:

^^ This is a photo, of him taking this photo vv:

Photographed by Jared; Photoshopped by Me.

Of course, he got back at me by taking a picture of me (it was authorized, I'm just really awkward in front of the camera):

I told him that I'd like to fly a fighter jet like an F-15;
so when we saw this one, he insisted upon taking a picture of me in front of it. 

I took a photo of Jared in front of his favorite plane (a Fairchild A-10 Thunderbolt "Warthog"):

The "Warthog" is near (if not at) the top of his 'Airplane Wishlist' :p

Overall, I really enjoyed the museum (and I'm totally gonna go back at some point with my DSLR so that I can get some legit/artsy/actually interesting to look at photos like the ones I took at the Air and Space Museum at Balboa Park in CA or the ones I took on the U.S.S. Midway).

I have some other photos, but since they're 'blah' I'm gonna skip posting them. BUT - I will post my absolute favorite photo of the day:

Jared and I outside the museum in front of a military transport plane.

Eating Paleo: Paleo Chili (ie "REAL" Chili)

Technically, "REAL" chili doesn't actually have beans. Most people don't know that.

This is Paleo chili.
I made this recipe the other night, by combining a couple of beanless, from-scratch chili recipes.
Now, it's just me that I'm cooking for so...measurements are fudged a bit so that I don't wind up making ridiculously massive amounts.

Sorry it's not very sharp - I took this photo with my cell phone camera :p

Ingredients:

• 2 cans of organic diced tomatoes
• 2 lbs ground beef
• 1 tbsp EVOO
• 4 cloves of garlic (minced)
• 1/2 an Onion (chopped)
• 4 carrots (chopped)
• 3-5 celery stalks (chopped)
• 3 Bay Leaves
• 2-4 sprigs of fresh thyme 
• Fresh parsley (chopped) - about 2-3 tbsp

Directions:

1. In a frying pan, cook up the ground beef (use a little cooking fat/evoo/coconut oil if needed/desired).
2. In a different pan (or, in my case, after cooking up the ground beef and moving it to a different dish and reuse the frying pan). In the EVOO, saute the garlic over low heat until it gets fragrant.
3. Add the onion, celery, and carrots and cook until the veggies are soft (or as tender as desired, I personally like to leave the carrots just a little crunchy to add in another texture to the mix).
4. Stir in the canned tomatoes and the cooked beef (at this point, I had to switch to a big pot because not all of this actually fits in a medium sized frying pan).
5. Add the bay leaves, thyme, and parsley.
6. Let cook on low for about 4 hours (I was too impatient...and only let it go for about 2 - it tasted fine, the addition of more time just allows the flavors to meld together a bit more).

Voila! Meat and Veggies all in one go, and very yummy! :)

This recipe makes a good size batch (even with my adjustments, it made more than I was expecting but it was fine because then I could just stick it in the fridge or freezer and eat it throughout the week for various meals).

Note - with the amount of prep that you have to do for this recipe (ie all the chopping) - you're gonna wind up feeling like an assistant chef as you're getting everything ready, but...I've found that listening to the soundtrack from Ratatouille helps to get into the mindset. And while, yes, it's a lot of prep - it's all still really very simple to put together. ("So easy a Caveman could do it!" :P)

And if ya make a little bit of a mess, don't feel bad - Cause I'm a *really* messy cook (although, I am improving...a little.) - Just be sure to do a really good job of cleaning up afterwards! :)

So long as your kitchen doesn't look like a tornado hit it afterwards...then you're a cleaner cook than I :p

Catch Your Breath; Continue Moving Forward

This post is going to seem somewhat disorganized and fragmented. I can't help it - it's how my mind has been lately.

When my Dad returned from his first deployment to Iraq, he hugged me so hard I wasn't able to breathe. I didn't mind. It was my dad, he was home, he was safe. Even as I was physically unable to breathe, my mind was able to let out the stress I'd felt the entire time he was gone. 

I still remember the first night of the war in Iraq. I remember sitting in a hotel room with my Mom and siblings, watching the footage of various military attacks in cities like Baghdad. They would show footage from attacks at night. You could see the skylines of the cities as the 'flash' of mortars lit up the night sky. I remember realizing that my Dad was out, in some foreign country fighting an enemy for reasons that I didn't fully understand; using real guns, real bullets and that if he died...it was for real. 

I remember a wave of terror filling me up, and then remembered someone telling me that if we let terror get to us, then the terrorists had won. I suddenly felt as though I wasn't allowed to be scared, otherwise the terrorists would win and my Dad would die. I had to do everything I could to not be scared for my Dad. I'd been taught in school that since I had a deployed parent, I had to be strong so that I wouldn't worry my younger siblings or my Mom (one of the 'perks' of going to a DoD school - they usually provide some kind of training for helping military kids prepare for a parents' deployment or reintegration. Is it good training? Who knows). That night, I told myself that I was being strong for my Dad too, so that he would stay safe. I think maybe it was my way of developing a coping mechanism so that I would have a reason to stay strong. 

When I fly - I never sleep on the airplane. For some reason, I feel as though my being awake, is the only thing keeping the plane in the air. If I sleep, the plane will crash. I realize that it's incredibly irrational, but I still refuse to sleep on a plane. My concern for my Dad while he was in Iraq was the same. If I was scared of the war, scared of what could happen, he would die. So long as I wasn't scared, so long as I pretended not to care, he would be okay. That's how I remember handling his first deployment. 

After you tell someone that you're an Army brat, that your parent has been deployed, they usually look at you with this pitiful expression and say something like, "That must have been so hard on you, growing up." I've had people ask me what it's like to have a parent go to war. Such a dumb thing to ask. It's one of those things that can't really be explained to someone who's never experienced it. There isn't a word for the simultaneous rush of fear, pride, conflict, confusion, and that painful desire just to have em home. Even at just 10 or 11 years old, I knew that everyday that Dad was gone the next knock at the door could be 2 uniformed soldiers coming to tell my Mom that Dad was KIA and I knew that I would be unable to console her. (You eventually learn to push those thoughts from your mind, but it definitely takes a while).

The sad thing is, the hardest part isn't even always the time that they're gone. Sometimes the hardest part is when they come back, and they're no longer the parent you remember them being. I used to be close to my Dad. I'm sure I even used to idolize him. I remember being little, sitting on the floor or on the couch next to him and watching him shine his boots or clean one of his guns. (I'm sure it's for that reason that I like the smell of shoe polish, and the metal-against-metal sound of a freshly cleaned pistol being reassembled). I remember when I was younger, every now and then, if I was misbehaving and was sent to my room - he would come in and calmly talk to me. Even when I was in high school and acting like a total brat, he managed to have one or two of those moments when he was willing to be particularly patient with me, he would come in and we would discuss things like how it was important for me to be more responsible and mature; and other things like what school I would go to for college.

After different deployments to Iraq and being stationed in Korea, he's become a different person, one that I don't know very well and as a result, we've grown apart.

My Dad has always seemed to be proud of my intelligence. My mom has told me of instances when he's bragged to the soldiers he works with or even just strangers that his oldest daughter knows all about this or that. Knowing this about him means a lot to me, and it has become even more important to me over time as my Dad and I have kind of grown apart. Growing up, my Dad (well, both my parents, but Dad was always the one to really push it) had a rule that none of us kids were allowed to get married until we've earned our degrees.

I'm very close to finishing my degree. Only this and summer semester left. 

It's become very clear to me, just how important it is to me that I finish this. 

I want to make my parents proud of me.

I want to prove to everyone that I'm capable of completing something, of accomplishing something.

I want everyone who knows me to know that I place an incredibly high value on knowledge and education, because my parents placed a high value on that and encouraged me to work for that. 

But suddenly, life is pulling me in different directions, and I'm starting to choke and burn out. I'm not doing nearly as well as I know that I could be. My anxiety keeps me from focusing and getting adequate sleep.

I'm beginning to fear that I may not be able to finish my degree, even though I want it so badly. That fear keeps paralyzing me, and it makes things worse.

But I can't let the terror win. When I finish, I can let the stress go.